Co-parenting after a divorce or separation is difficult under the best circumstances, but when one parent uses co-parenting as a weapon to continue post-separation abuse, it can feel impossible. For those of you caught in the cycle of high-conflict co-parenting, I want to introduce a different approach that can help break the cycle: parallel parenting.
Many parents aspire to a collaborative co-parenting relationship because it benefits the child. When parents work together to separate their personal feelings and focus on raising their children, everyone wins. Collaborative co-parenting can lead to beautiful things—blended family birthday parties, holidays spent together, flexible parenting schedules, and most importantly, children witnessing healthy communication and mutual respect. This sets a wonderful example for them to follow later in life.
However, this ideal situation is not always possible, especially when conflict is constant, and every custody exchange turns into a battleground. If this sounds familiar, it’s time to consider parallel parenting.
What is Parallel Parenting?
Parallel parenting, according to Psychology Today, is an arrangement where divorced or separated parents co-parent by disengaging from each other, limiting contact as much as possible. In this approach, each parent handles their own responsibilities when the child is in their care, and communication between the two parents is strictly business.
Unlike collaborative co-parenting, where joint holidays, birthday parties, and family gatherings are encouraged, parallel parenting creates firm boundaries. Parents don’t attend events together, communicate only through necessary means (often using co-parenting apps), and sometimes even arrange drop-offs to avoid direct contact altogether.
Benefits of Parallel Parenting
Less Stress: By reducing contact, both parents and children can feel less stressed. There’s no need to engage in emotional or confrontational exchanges, which can be exhausting for everyone involved.
Minimizing Parental Communication: With limited communication, there’s a much lower risk of conflict. Communication is kept to essential matters, often through a co-parenting app like TalkingParents, which documents every interaction and keeps things professional.
Shielding Children from Conflict: Parallel parenting keeps children out of the line of fire. By limiting face-to-face interactions, parents are shielding their children from witnessing harmful disputes, protecting their emotional well-being.
Encouraging Parental Autonomy: Each parent gets to run their household their way. There’s no need for constant input or interference from the other parent, giving both parents the space to establish their own rules and routines while the child is with them.
Providing Space for Healing: Parallel parenting gives both parents the time and distance they need to heal from the relationship and adjust to life post-separation.
What Parallel Parenting is Not – Counter-Parenting
A crucial thing to understand is that parallel parenting is not the same as counter-parenting. Counter-parenting is when one parent actively works against the other just out of spite, intentionally undermining their efforts and creating confusion for the child. Examples include:
Letting the child do things the other parent wouldn’t allow
Bad-mouthing the other parent in front of the child
Refusing to follow court orders
Preventing the child from communicating with the other parent
Counter-parenting is incredibly damaging to children and should be avoided at all costs. It is not about protecting the child’s well-being but about continuing conflict for the sake of control and revenge. Parallel parenting, in contrast, is all about creating peace and boundaries for the benefit of the child.
Making the Shift to Parallel Parenting
Shifting to a parallel parenting model requires letting go of old roles and expectations. You may no longer know every detail about what happens when your child is with the other parent, and your ex may not follow your preferred parenting style or routines. But as long as your children are safe, happy and cared for, this is a sacrifice that ultimately benefits you and your children.
It's important to remind yourself that parallel parenting doesn't have to be permanent. After time, boundaries will be established, tensions may decrease, and eventually, you may be able to transition into a more collaborative co-parenting approach as mutual respect is rebuilt.
In the meantime, you can find a sense of freedom in knowing that parallel parenting will help keep the peace and shield your children from unnecessary conflict. It gives you the space to heal, focus on your new role as a single parent, and regain control of your life while ensuring your kids grow up in a healthier environment.
Final Thoughts
High-conflict co-parenting can feel overwhelming and relentless, but parallel parenting offers a way to regain control and protect your children from the toxic dynamics. By establishing boundaries, reducing contact, and keeping your focus on your child's well-being, you’ll create a more peaceful environment for both you and your kids. Parallel parenting allows you to step into a new chapter, one that focuses on healing, independence, and providing a safe and stable environment for your children—without the constant battle.
If you’re feeling trapped in a high-conflict co-parenting dynamic, it might be time to consider parallel parenting as a way to finally break free and move forward.
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