How to Talk to Your Children About Divorce: 5 Things to Consider

Divorcing while raising children is a significant challenge. It can easily feel like attempting to host a dinner party in a house with no kitchen - everyone still expects you to pull it off even though your resources are missing and your heart is breaking. And even if you do pull it off, these dinner guests (your kids) are going to complain that you served it on the wrong color plate. As a parent, I can tell you with 100% certainty that I had no idea what I was doing when I first started the process. It's not like someone hands you a "How To" guide once you start the process of divorce. Despite this, as parents, it's important that we are being mindful and considerate when talking to our children about divorce. By doing so, we have the opportunity to help them adjust to their new reality and make the transition from one home to two as smooth as possible. But it's never easy.

If you are facing a divorce, it is important to understand that this is your first opportunity to minimize the impact of divorce on your children but ultimately, you also face the risk of unintentionally involving the children in the conflict of your divorce, and no one wants to do that. With the right approach, you can ensure that your children are informed and supported throughout the process WITHOUT being exposed to potentially harmful information. Let's discuss five important things to consider before having this discussion with your children.

1) The Best Time to Talk

When you are ready to have this difficult conversation with your children, ensure you are in a safe, calm environment away from distractions. Be prepared to answer their questions and address any negative feelings. Make sure to discuss this conversation with your co-parent before presenting it to the children. This will help you share the news as a united front.

With your co-parent, create an age-appropriate answer for when the children ask the inevitable question "why?". Both parents need to agree on an answer that:

• Uses general terms

• Avoids burdening the children with adult matters

• Does not ask the children to keep secrets

• Does not assign blame to either parent

• Does not imply that the divorce is caused by the children in any way

A general answer to "why" sounds like this:

"We have tried very hard, but we just can’t fix our problems. We both love you very much and we will still be your parents, but we decided we won’t be living together anymore.”

or

“I understand how you must be feeling, this divorce is between your parents. This is an adult decision and has nothing to do with children. We are still a family, it will just look different than before, with two homes instead of one.

Be prepared to answer other questions such as:

• What does "divorced" mean?

• Do you still love each other?

• Can I still see my mommy/daddy? When? How often?

• Do I get to keep my pet? Toys? clothes?

• Where will I live? Where do I sleep?

• Are we still a family?

• Is this because I was bad?

Once you have announced the news, keep the conversation open by answering their questions in a calm, supportive way.

2) Keep It Age Appropriate

Younger children are generally more concerned with the "what" not the "why" but they still want answers. It's important to reassure them that divorce is an adult decision that has nothing to do with children.

Older children and teenagers may be more concerned with how this is going to impact their lifestyle and school. They may want to know WHY this had to happen.

For younger children it is important to keep the conversation about divorce age appropriate for their level of understanding. When discussing the divorce with the children it is important to phrase things like "this is no one's fault" so that the children know that they are not the cause of the divorce. Do not burden the children with the upsetting details of the divorce, as this can lead to feelings of guilt and grief. Depending on the age of your children, they may be concerned with issues such as custody, access to both parents, and how to tell their friends that their parents are divorced. If possible, talk to other divorced parents or look for divorce support groups in your community that can provide advice and information to help your children through this difficult time. Ultimately, make sure your children know that even though their family structure is changing, both parents love them and that they will always have two homes that they belong to.

3) Don't Place Blame

When it comes to discussing divorce with your children, it's important NOT to place blame on either parent. It can be difficult not to voice frustration and negative feelings that have built up leading up to the separation but try to keep the conversation focused on the facts. Talk about the decision to separate and how it affects the family dynamic. Let your children know that both parents will always love them and that having two homes is a common part of many families lives. This can help make the transition smoother and provide a sense of stability.

It can be very tempting want to tell your children that their other parent is to blame for the split, especially in cases of infidelity or when emotions are still running high. But, children have a tendency to internalize criticism directed at their parent. When you tell a child "your parent is to blame for this" they are hearing "YOU are to blame for this". So, resist the temptation and protect your child's still developing sense of self.

4) Explain What Will Change and What Won't

When discussing divorce with your children, explain that some things will change and some won’t. If your children know what's happening next, they can feel more prepared and less out of control. A good way to help them feel comforted is by allowing them to take part in small decisions to help adjust to the new situation.

Help them understand that living arrangements will change; they may soon have two homes and live with both parents during the week. But they can decide what pizza toppings for dinner on their first night at their new home, or what outfit they will wear to their first day at a new school. Talk to them about the changes they will experience in their daily routine or activities, such as a different school or church. Print out a calendar to show the children the parenting schedule so they know where they will be spending the night and who will pick them up from school. Explain that you both still expect the same values, manners, and behaviors from them and the divorce should not interfere with any of these expectations.

Let your children know that if they need help or support, they can always talk to you, their teacher or a school counselor.

No matter what the circumstances, remind your children that you love them and that you are both open to talk about feelings and answer questions.

5) Keep the Lines of Communication Open

Both parents should strive to maintain open lines of communication with their children. Divorce can be an emotionally overwhelming time for children, and having a support system in place can make all the difference. Parents should make sure to listen to their children's thoughts and feelings, provide answers to questions, and continue to talk about the changes in their family.

Children may want to talk at bedtime or during long car rides. During these times it's important to be present with them and available to address their concerns. Try to have regular discussions with your child about how they're feeling, don't scold them for expressing their emotions, and answer questions as honestly as you can. If it is not possible to be completely honest, it's okay to set boundaries with your child and tell them that there are just some things that are private and that's okay too. Your child is absolutely not entitled to know potentially disturbing details that may hurt them. It is also beneficial to keep your conversations focused on two homes rather than two families. While you may no longer be together, both parents will continue to be an important part of the child's life and should both be recognized as such.

Reaching out to a divorce support group or therapist can also be extremely helpful when navigating the conversations with your children. Having a neutral third-party available to provide guidance can be invaluable when talking to your kids about the divorce.

Please keep in mind that children grieve divorce too. Children often communicate through behavior, and it may be hard to differentiate between normal developmental behavior and behavior that is caused by the split. As a parent, it's not our job to protect the child from adversity. It is our job to equip them with the tools they need to deal with it. Above all else, children need to feel safe and free to express their feelings. Parents can do this by validating those feelings and by providing structure and support at both homes. Lastly, consider this. when your children look back at this moment in their lives, what do you want them to remember?